The Arab Daughter

REHABBING:

THE ARAB DAUGHTER

Part I: Disappointment

Disappointment: the big D we all try to avoid, may just be the D we need.

Yes this applies to the sons, the non-arabs, the religious, the grandchildren, etc… Just in my experience, these lessons were learned as the eldest Arab daughter.

Recieving the wrath of going against centuries of tradition (or conditioning) is very unpleasant. From young we learn that if you want to avoid the shibshib, babuj or ikshat, its best to do as expected. Sometimes that chancla comes verbally, or worse… in silence - and the experience of that cold is unlike anything else. So we do our best to play the game as they would want, shrinking your desires to fit in where it is acceptable. As you get older you (if you are daring enough) try to fit in a bit more and more of your own personal taste/desire/style and you go understand what has space in your families perception and what doesn’t.

This sacrifice of ones personal path comes at a hefty cost. It manifests as disasstisfactin in day to day life, your doctor would call it depression, but there’s a pretty clear solution that’s not medicated. All of the emotions you have misunderstood or buried deep as grief come boiling to the surface all the time, in cycles you are unaware of, as relationships that crash and burn, as chasing and choosing harmful paths for yourself.

But ultimately, the more you chose to sacrifice your hearts calling, the voice of your expression to fit into what you perceive to be someone else’s desire, you become sick. It’s not uncommon for people on this path to develop autoimmune diseases, illnesses with the root of inflammation and GI issues. Stress was never processed, sadness was never healthily expressed; your body was grieving a life you never got a chance to live because you never gave yourself a real chance to do so. The sacrifice here is you, and no matter how much you sacrifice yourself you will never find full happiness in attempt to minimize someone else’s disappointment. At the root of your relations is deception. There is a mask of who you are, and what you express with your parents or with the restrictive community is that which you think they understand.

Many of us often go to live double lives, where an aspect of you is attempting to come out - perhaps your creativity, your sexuality, or simply just a more you version of you. And here is where the disconnect happens. We are made to be whole beings, not to live part here and part there. Segregating yourself is a dangerous game, especially when parts of you are viewed as safe and others as dangerous. When you have too many masks you may confuse which belong where, and before you know it you’re slipping up in front of the very people it is most important to hide from.

An alternate perspective, is your dishonesty is not only affecting you: you are also robbing the very people you want to ‘protect’ from their own opportunities for growth. Children come into the world to teach, to challenge accepted norms to redirect the trajectory of society. This may seem backwards to some as children are seen as the young, fragile, blank canvases, but they come in to families to push the older generations out of their comfort zones, to confront fossilized ideals, to bind in socio-cultural progress. You are a gift of responsibility to your elders, as well as being the gift of their truest trigger.

So think of you living truthfully as a service. Plus what support is a house of cards anyway? If the fragility is indicative of the lack of concrete love, why are you so desperate to preserve it?

• then there’s time to be honest with yourself: What is it you are trying to preserve?

  • Good standing?

  • Fear of God?

  • Financial support?

  • Acceptance?

  {If it is all just transactional, what are you sacrificing and what are you chosing for the pay off?}

While the desire to shrink yourself may be rooted equally in two things: Respect and Fear, neither will ever be enough to subside the feeling you have of there’s more to life.

Get okay with disappointing someone that has bound you to an agreement you never signed on for; you were conditioned to accept. Each response of ‘Ah baba, Akeed mama’ never came from them asking for your true opinion or stance, but rather a way to confirm their own expectation. Obedience is expect, and deviation is disrespectful.

This is not unique to Arab culture, may high culture context societies have upheld the same belief. Uniqueness is not celebrated, but rather a reason for Sum3a (gossip). And as a culture that cares so much about what others think, most Arab parents fail to admit (at least vocally, they may know it internally), that the reason they uphold the same standard is a fear of being judged socially - basically, they don’t want no smoke. This results in them receiving it all internally, and doing everything they can so that the social mask doesn’t fall- ‘what happens behind closed doors doesn’t need to see the light.’ And all of this secrecy is the root of many illness; in fact the inability to live truthfully out loud is what eats away at many people from the inside ad arguably is one of our greatest collective downfalls as a society. But more on this later, this is a whole conversation.

Briefly, another cultural component is that of Morality and Values. Arab parents often view that deviation as disrespectful and reflective as a lack of values. For me, choosing to live as a more authentic expression was easily affirmed when I came to ask myself:I am proud of the morals and values that I uphold? The answer is yes (And if the answer were ‘no’ at least I would be clear on the work I have to do next). Then came trusting that with time, the very people’s approval I was seeking, would get a chance to understand my morals and values (or due to their own blockages, perhaps not).

Understand that disappointment may just be a phase in your relationship, and in this space you will have lessons to learn as will they. Coming out on the other side, as time passes, you never know- their growth might just surprise you! Give it a chance, chose the unknown, perhaps longer road; one that really speaks to you.